The Forb Speaks out about the Tea Party Bible

Mirna moved from table to table in her usual, floaty way, refilling coffee cups and being nice to the customers. She claims to be a Buddhist, which could explain why she seems to be at peace with everything in the world. It could also be that she dropped a lot of acid in the 60’s and damaged the part of her brain that used to deal with complex ideas.

There were more people than usual at the End of Time today, which could bode well for the future of the café in this uncertain economy. The Forb was sitting on the other side of room, where he was reading a newspaper and ignoring me. I was not offended, since he often did that when he was thinking about something that he would soon spring on me with his typical enthusiasm. I was enjoying a few minutes of quiet with my coffee.

When The Forb slapped his newspaper down on the table, the noise startled several of the nearby diners. Unfazed by the effects of his own powers of disruption, he stormed over to my table and stared at me until he had captured my full attention. His jaw muscles were working, so I prepared myself for a fresh onslaught of cultural criticism.

The Forb is probably ten or so years older than me, and his mostly bald head and scruffy goatee reminds me of a weird uncle I used to have, who was a math professor at a large university. That uncle was long dead, but I suspected he had channeled part of himself into Graham Forbish.

“Do you know what I just read, Max?” The Forb’s eyes seemed to pulsate with excitement.

“No, Forb, I don’t. But do please tell me.”

“Fifty-six percent of Tea Party members believe that free-market capitalism is fully compatible with Christian values.” The Forb squinted suspiciously at me. “Did you know that?”

“No, not exactly.”

“Look, Max, there’s a book you probably never heard of because you graduated from college, what—three years ago?”

“Fifteen, actually.”

“So,” said The Forb, “have you ever heard of the book Atlas Shrugged?

“Sure,” I said. “It’s a movie now, right?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “I don’t go to movies. Anyway, that book is like the Bible to the big voices in the whole Tea Party movement. Haven’t these insane Christian people who think the Tea Party is the answer to everything ever read that book? I’m pretty sure that Jesus would not like this at all.”

“Why not, Forb?”

“Because it’s all about selfishness, Max! The idea is that if everyone only watched out for themselves and acted strictly out of self-interest, then everything would be great. So now these morons who are just waddling along with this movement think that people will all make wonderful choices and run beautiful businesses and everyone will be happy and rich if they just stick to their new ‘bible’.” Forb took a deep breath and looked around the room at the people enjoying their breakfasts. “But you know what the problem with that is?”

“What?” I did have some ideas of my own, but I didn’t think Forb was in a listening mood.

He leaned toward me and spoke with a conspiratorial whisper. “People are, in general, jackasses, Max. Free-market jolliness does not run the world; jackassery runs the world.”

The Forb stopped long enough for Mirna to float up alongside our table to refill my cup. The Forb had left his mug of tea at the other table. As she poured, she purred softly in her detached way of speaking.

“There is none righteous, no, not one,” she said. Mirna drifted away to the next table. The Forb watched her go.

“See, Max,” he said. “Even Buddhists get it.” He got up and moved back to his own table without further comment.

I didn’t see Winnie this morning. I don’t think she cares for crowds. She likes it better when the End of Time is mostly empty. It might not be good for the local economy, but it’s better for conversation. Based on today’s discussion with The Forb, it was probably better that she stayed away. Winnie doesn’t like conflict.