I walked into The End of Time by myself this morning, abandoning Winnie to the decorating of our apartment for Christmas. She’s very excited about our first Christmas together, and I have an aversion to arranging cute little do-dads in the place where I eat and sleep. It all works out for the best.
I was barely in the door when The Forb signaled for me to join him at his table. His morning newspaper was shoved aside and he was scribbling on a piece of paper. He looked feverish.
“Max, I’m writing a letter to the editor of that rag of a newspaper of yours. I’m going after this thing about banning cell phones in cars. I could care less about cell phones in general, but I maintain my view that the world is dominated by idiots.”
I ordered my coffee as Mirna floated by, carrying a couple of steaming mugs of something and humming an unrecognizable tune. “And you want to read it to me, right?”
“That’s right. I’ll spare you my cultural critique, but I’m offering the world a list of other things that should be banned while driving a motor vehicle, since we’re so keen on preserving everyone from their own stupidity. Listen to this:
1. Smoking. It’ll kill you eventually, but you don’t need to take others with you when you crash your car while trying to light up. Banned.
2. Kissing. It’s almost impossible to kiss someone with your eyes open. No one should drive with closed eyes. Banned.
3. Sex. Goes without saying. Banned.
4. Other people in the car, especially children. Other people are the biggest distraction ever. My ex-wife is evidence of that. Banned.
5. Eating. The consumption of a bean and beef burrito while driving is a recipe for death, the indigestion notwithstanding. Banned.
6. Manual transmissions. The addition of a clutch pedal and six possible shifting positions makes driving way too complicated, especially for the population of morons that we all seem to be. Banned.
7. Praying. No one should be allowed to pray while driving, for two reasons: First, many people pray with their eyes closed. This puts it in the same danger category as kissing. Second, the Almighty would surely be offended when one second you’re praising his holy name, and the next you’re flipping the bird to the guy who just cut you off. Banned.
8. Car radios. Too many buttons and too much stupid music. Banned.
9. Day dreaming. If you’re thinking about something else, then you’ll drive right up somebody’s tailpipe. Driving takes focus. Banned.”
“Wait a second,” I said. “How in the world can the police monitor ‘day dreaming’?”
“Easy,” said The Forb. “They just look for people who look glazed over and are smiling. If they’re smiling, then they are either talking on a cell phone, listening to the radio, praying, or having sex, all of which are banned. If none of those things are provable, then the cop defaults to a charge of day dreaming.”
“This is ridiculous.”
“Of course it is, Max! Don’t you recognize irony when you hear it?”
I left The Forb to his work and found my own table just as Mirna brought the coffee. I thought about that crazy list and almost started laughing. I thought about each one that The Forb had listed: Kissing, sex . . . All in a car. Hilarious. Graphic. Interesting.
I finished my coffee and went back home to see what Winnie was doing.
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